You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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