I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
