3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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