I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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