I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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