u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
