Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
