doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
