if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
