Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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