I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
