i think my tv is drunk
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
