I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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