I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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