i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
