I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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