i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
