Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
