Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
