i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
