i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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