if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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