No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
