when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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