This girl is more easily done than said...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
