The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
