Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
