Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize