Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
