He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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