he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
