Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
