My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
