Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
