my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
