Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
