This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
