I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
