So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
