I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
