why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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