my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
