My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
