i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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