whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
