I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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