I hope mine doesn't look like that
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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