Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
God gave him joint rollers for hands
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
