when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
