I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
