my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
