Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize