I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
