walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
