So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
