Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
