Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
