Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
