We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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