you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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