apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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