I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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