I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
